What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 10:26
We were not on the streets..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
What did i know ?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I think the readers, may guess!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
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We all went to grammer schools
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I never cut or harmed myself..
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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
It was going to be , some day.
Why are some people afraid of monsters?
He knew the spot.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
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As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Ive learnt so much.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Why do some children hate their parents?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She wouldn,t have been !
I was scared of men, in general
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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She married twice! .
(And it was in our own minds.)
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And i lived it daily.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
So, i spoilt her more .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I was seconnd youngest,
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She loved him until the end.
Especially a lifetime of it.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I could never make a relationship work though!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I was 9 years of age.
But it wasn’t much.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I don,t even have a pension.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im still living with it.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was very sick at this time too.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But, we were locked up after school.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
All the time i was locked up.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Put me off passion for life!!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She was in good health!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I write beautiful poetry .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I couldn’t, believe it.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I will be 64.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
When she asked me how she looked .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I waited trembling.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I have no regrets .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My family never makes their pension either.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
So whats the point in blame.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But ive been too sick for many years..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Comes on , in middle age.
He resisted the act ,that day.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Was to survive, this bastard.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Would this be the day?
She found it foreign!.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
This is soul school!.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My life is so biszare .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
One cannot live in the past .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I said to her
Who then, do I blame.?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life